It’s Been One Month

It’s been one month today since I lost my husband.  For one month I haven’t held his hand as we fell asleep.  For one month I’ve woken in the night and not felt him lying next to me.  For one month I haven’t heard his voice, seen his smile or felt his arms around me.  For one month I haven’t heard the words “I love you” slide gently from his lips.  How can it have already been one month?  This has far and away been the worst month of my entire life.

People keep telling me it will get better, that the pain lessens with time.  I haven’t experienced that yet and I’m not sure I will.  Our wedding vows said “until death parts us” but that was a lie.  Death parting us hasn’t diminished my love for him or my commitment to him at all.  If anything, death has forged an even stronger love for him in my heart; a hearth that was already bursting with love for this man.

He wasn’t perfect.  He was often silent when he perhaps should have spoken.  He could be gruff and short with people on occasion and he didn’t always say the right things.  He didn’t tolerate idiots and would gladly tell them so.  I loved his imperfections though, just as he loved mine, that’s what marriage is.  We accepted each other for who we were and loved each other through all the ups and downs.

I have received countless messages from across the globe in this month.  My favorites are the ones telling me how much Jeff meant to them.  How Jeff was the dad they never had or how he had helped them or treated them kindly when no one else did.  My husband was truly an amazing man and his loss was and will continue to be felt by many.  He loved everyone equally and he found great joy in simply making others feel good about themselves.  He was truly a loving and compassionate human being and I feel sorry for anyone who didn’t get the chance to experience or appreciate what Jeff was truly like.  The world was a little brighter for many when he was still in it.

22 years after the wedding his tux jacket still fits!

Now I find myself standing alone in the world for the first time since I was 18 years old.  I of course have our children, friends and family but it just isn’t the same.  I feel as though I’ve been cut in half and there is a gaping hole in my side and in my heart that will never heal.  I know it will eventually get better, although nothing will ever feel the same again.  I’m not the same person I was one month ago.  I will never be that person again.  I will never know love like that again.  He was my one great love and I am grateful to God for every single moment, both good and bad, of our 22 years together.

Checking the fields at the farm. His favorite place on earth.

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